Updated Letter to All Daughters Everywhere

Hello Sweetheart,
     It's your dad here & I wanted to tell you what you mean to me & I feel about you. You are the absolute love of my life. From the first time I laid eyes upon you, you always have been & you shall forever remain the embodiment of the definition of unconditional love & beauty. I am proud of you & blessed to call you my daughter. You are pure perfection to me. You really are someone, that's special. Your uniqueness, intellect, humor, kindness, beauty & honest-ness is awe inspiring. I can learn some things from you. I respect the person that you are & how you're growing into yourself. I'm thankful that I get to see you as an amazing child growing into an amazing adult. Did I mention that I think that you're amazing & I stand amazed at you in your amazingness? Well I do.
     Now I may not have always been perfect nor amazing at times. I can admit this as a sad truth for you bore witness to my actions & heard my words. Now whether it be that I wasn't around enough, or maybe I was there to much. I wonder if I praised you too much or not enough. Did I spoil you or did I neglect you? I can't pin point to any one particular mistake that I've made. I'm sure there were plenty. But I never meant for them to be negative or go in that direction, they were all supposed to be a father & daughter interacting, enjoying spending time together, bonding but it seems like I had done something that didn't sit right with you & there became a rift between us. I always wanted to be a good father, I think I always tried to be a good father, I hope I was a good father. But none of that assures that I actually was a good father. I never intended to harm you or cripple you in any way. I made mistakes but I didn't mean to & it didn't mean that I didn't love or appreciate the wonderful person you were (& still are). I never intended to make a mistake, I always thought that I tried my best & made the best decision with what I believed to be the best outcome when it came to you. It didn't always turn out for the best, but I swear that my intentions for you were always good & my top priority. I never wanted to hold you back, I want you to fly like I believe you can. I never intended for you to be affected by me, but again, I apologize for any & all my transgressions.
     I'm so bummed that you inherited some of my traits, you know the particular ones I'm talking about. I know they are a burden & they are not what I wanted for you. I know the noise, the chaos that's all encompassing & takes rule over some moments of your life. The torture you must go thru at times, I don't envy you but I know you are able to rise above. I have issues that test me everyday & I'm so sorry that you have to go thru the same thing. I want better for you, I wish for better things for you, I don't wish for you to have to go thru that experience. I'm sorry for giving you my infections. I am here for you to share with, maybe I can be a comfort to you, knowing that I know what you go thru at times, I can listen & relate. I can be there for you if ever you need or want.
     I may not always say exactly how I feel about you nearly as much as I should & that's my mistake. & sometimes when I do try & tell you how I feel about you it never seems like I properly expressed myself. I'm sorry for that, you deserve to know how special you are to me, how much I love you & how wonderful I think you are. You amaze me. You are a miracle to me. I learn things from you. I love being a part of your life. I am so very proud & blessed with you being my daughter. You truly are God's Creation that he bestowed upon your mother & I. I love you.
                                            I will forever be there for you, always.
I forever want to be a part of your life,
Love You Always & Forever,
Dad,
Pop,
Rock

Open Letter to All the Daughters Everywhere

Hello Sweetheart,
     I want you to know how I feel about you. You are the absolute love of my life. You always have been & you shall forever remain. I am proud of you & happy to call you my daughter. You are perfect in my eyes. You are someone that's special.
     I may not have always been perfect. Whether it be that I wasn't around enough, or maybe I was there to much. I wonder if I praised you too much or not enough. Did I spoil you or did I neglect you? I wanted to be a good farther, I tried to be a good father, I hope I was a good father. I never intended to harm you or cripple you in any way.I made mistakes but it doesn't mean that I don't love or appreciate the wonderful person you are. I want you to fly. I never intended for you to be affected by me, but alas.....
     I'm so bummed that you inherited some of my traits, I know they can be a burden & they are not what I wanted for you. I know the noise, that fills & takes over some moments of life. The torture you go thru at times. I have issues that test me everyday & I'm so sorry that you have to go thru the same thing. I want better for you, I wish for better things for you, I don't wish for you to have to go thru that experience. I'm sorry for giving you my infections. I am here for you to share, maybe I can ease your suffering.
     I may not always verbalize exactly how I feel about you & that's my mistake. I'm sorry. You amaze me. You are a miracle to me. I learn things from you. I love being a part of your life. I am so very proud & blessed with you being my daughter. You truly are God's Creation that he bestowed upon your mother & I. I love you.
                                            I will forever be there for you, forever.
I want to always be a part of your life,
Love Forever,
Dad,
Pop,
Rock

What next?

     I'm not sure why I write this blog. I don't know if anyone reads it, hates it, enjoys it or knows it even exists. Am I coming off as a whiney cry baby? A sociopath? Does any of it all matter?
I really have nothing to say. I'm just afraid that if I don't say anything, I will completely disappear.

The Shit (as in my favorites)

THE RAMONES
AMAZING, ALWAYS. From start to finish. They always delivered, always. They stand alone. No one comes close, they never have & no one ever will. They (still) are the best ever. & I will fight anyone that says different. Fun, loud, edgy & dangerous, infectious & essential. They are HEAVENS house band. They started punk rock. They were pure rock 'n' roll but they are the true originators of what is punk rock. QUEENS, NEW YORK baby, the birthplace. England? Bullshit baby. USA, USA, USA.

ALICE COOPER (not TRASH but every other album)
Comical, dark, great. He's got an under appreciated voice. He can rock & he knows his way around a ballad. & you don't feel like a wuss for like his ballads either. He is a complete entertainer. If you see him perform live, you will be entertained. No doubt about it.

DWARVES
Oh. You don't know? Do yourself a favor & listen to The Dwarves Are Young & Good Looking. Some says Blood Guts & Pussy is their best, but they're wrong. It's definitely where there sound came together but in reality it's truly lacking compared to many of their other releases.

THE WARRIORS
An amazing movie. The bathroom fight scene is perfect, you couldn't ask for a more perfectly choreographed fight (No disrespect to THEY LIVE's alley fight scene, a very close second).
It's my "I need to be happy" go to movie. Can you dig it?

HAROLD & MAUDE
Ruth Gordon. Bud Cort. You gotta see it, I can talk about it but no matter what I say, I'll never be able to do it justice. You gotta see it to understand.

THE JERK
Sure CADDYSHACK is great but how could it not be with that cast? It's a no brainer. Everyone in it was at the top of their game. There was no way it could suk. HOWEVER, THE JERK is just STEVE MARTIN, being amazing, all by himself. I mean no disrespect to everyone else who appeared in the movie but almost every character could have been played by almost anyone else & it would still have been AMAZING. Only exception, Bernadette Peters, she owned her role. I was born a poor black child & boom goes the vaginamite. As we all know dynamite is cool, it blows shit up, but vagina...Well that is heaven on earth. Vaginamite, that blows my mind. I love the vadge. Close second....boobies. Ahhh, boobies.

AMERICAN PSYCHO by Bret Easton Ellis
I've already spoken about this so go read an earlier blog of mine.

JONATHAN LIVINGSTON SEAGULL by Richard Bach
So simple & childlike on the surface but so deep & life affirming on every other level. If you miss the message, you're honestly a complete moron.

THE TURNER DIARIES by Andrew Macdonald (William Luther Pierce)
Is it a hate novel? I don't really believe so, it's a work of fiction. Is it a call to arms? Maybe to the easily influenced. I feel it's more of a cautionary tale of what could happen when one side gets pushed too far & reaches their breaking point. It's full of action based in an alternate reality. If the revolutionaries were Black or Mexican instead of Caucasians this would be required reading in school, I'm sure of it. How some can get away with a statement such as "By Any Means Necessary" which advocates violence if need be & that's apparently acceptable but this novel is vilified & used as a scapegoat for some people's actions is completely hypocritical. Power of suggestion doesn't make people do bad shit. People's bad decisions make them do bad shit. To think that many bookstores won't carry this book is an affront to the 2nd amendment. It's kept in the back or under the counter at most used bookstores. If you order it online, you're now on a list. Trust that statement. It's just a fukkin story people. Grow the fuk up.

This is not a complete list. It's a start. Too be continued. Maybe.

My ?Ex? Wife......

     My ex wife (not legally my ex, we're separated not divorced) is a wonderful woman. She's sweet, beautiful, kind, funny as all get out, smart & an amazing cook. She's also got another side that I tended to bring out & that was what drove us apart. I'm guilty, she's guilty. In the end, who cares? I still adore that woman. She could & still can make me do anything, not by force or anything, just by my choice of wishing to make her happy still.
     Truth be told, I'm alive because of her. When I was single I wasn't what one would call an upstanding citizen. I think I'm kinda a degenerate now, but before her, I was a time bomb. The crap I put into my body, the situations I put myself in, the shit I tried to pull on an everyday basis. If you were my friend, you were like a shower...golden. But if I didn't know or like you, if you had something I wanted...I was a bit scummy at times. I honestly feel like I owe her my life, I don't think that I'd be alive today if not for her. She made me wanna do right, she made me wanna wake up just so I could be with her the next day. I no longer drink because of her (thank you Rita). I'm not addicted to anything anymore (thanks again Rita). I have a beautiful, smart & kind daughter (huge thanks Rita). I truly believe I owe so much to that woman. She may be a petite little thang (not that she's an object, I mean thang as a 1960's ish term of endearment) but she put me in line for all the right reasons. I'm 6 foot & she's 4 foot 2. When I held her, I felt like a man & I had only one job & that was to protect her. & love her. & let her know how special & important she was. Ok so I guess it was more than one job, but I digest (yeah I know). Listen, not all of my jokes, puns or shots at the funny are gonna pay off but at least I'm out there trying.
     ANYWAY, like I was saying, she was special, she meant the world to me. It sux that we're not together anymore but it's for the best. We're pretty decent friends now, we don't hang out on a regular basis but we get together a few times a week & talk openly & honestly about our lives. We've never had to go to court for alimony, child support or custody (I have a daughter & she can't learn female things from me). She never saw the point in getting married, we were both against the whole legal paper stupidity of it all. If you're both committed to each other then why the fuk does the state have to have anything to do with our relationship? I always felt (& still do) that if I ever was gonna get married that I could & would never find a better person to be my wife. She just got me, what I was all about & she saw thru the stupidity of me as a man. So eventually I did ask her to be my wife & she realized that the whole marriage thing was something I decided I did wanna do & she blessed me by accepting my request. I'm glad I married that woman, we had a really good run. I'm happy she said yes to me & changed her mind about marriage to make my wish come true. It's all about the compromises. Our time together was full of situations that one of us did for the other what they wanted versus our own desires. We did things to make the other happy. She always made me feel special & blessed by her being in my life, by being my wife & I like to believe that I did the same for her.
     Now after awhile we just couldn't get past some situations that eventually arose so we had to part. There was a period of anger, dislike (maybe even bordering on lite hatred) & we were no longer wishing to give in to each others differences, beliefs or desires which became demands at times. She knew she had to go. Eventually I recognized what she knew, our union was dissolving & keeping it together became a losing battle. I didn't put up a fight when she said she was leaving me, it was the best thing for both of us & her decision once again proved that she was right as usual. & it's probably what makes us able to have a pretty good relationship now.
     She, nor I, see the point in going thru a divorce either, waste of money & time. Shit, when I die, I want her to get all my stuff (monies, pension & my collection of crap (dvds, records & my 20 plus RAMONES t-shirts). She always looked good wearing my t-shirts. & I don't ever plan on getting a divorce from her, not for nobody. Now I'm not saying I'll never get married again but I'm not getting divorced. If my next lady wants to get married & I'm cool with it, alright, sure lets get married new honey. But it's never gonna really count because I'm not getting divorced. I still can't ever picture that there would ever be any other woman that would make a better wife for me. We may not be together anymore, but she will forever be my wife. Now that's not to say that I wouldn't grant her a divorce if she wanted it. I would never want to stand in the way of her happiness so if she wanted to go thru with getting divorced, I would have to go thru with it. She deserves whatever she wants & I will do whatever she wishes. I've always told her, "AS YOU WISH." & I still mean it. I feel that if I can't be her husband anymore then I'm gonna be the best god damn ex I can be. She deserves all the best she can get & I'm gonna do my part to make sure she gets it. I told you all, she's one special lady & she rocks me. God damn I love that woman.

Sometimes, Death, Family, Ben Affleck

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Ugh

I'm tough to be around.
I think that I make people slightly uncomfortable.
I feel I flirt with being a dullard.

The proof is in my pudding.

Depression - Still Here & just like Faster Pussycat, No I won't shut up, I just Babylon and on. Babylon on, Babylon and on.

     I work at a call center for a big telecommunications company. The pay is great, the benefits are unheard of nowadays & I even have a strong union to back me up & protect my jobs security. But the job sux, it's such a depressing & negative environment. I was hired for customer service & some sales when there was an opportunity for them. In the 17 years that I've been at the company, everything has changed, it's not the same. Every aspect of the job has become revenue driven & micromanaged. I used to like going into work & now, now I feel a little piece of me die everyday I make my commute to work. Nevermind the DEAD MAN WALKING feeling I get riding up the 2 floors on the elevator. I can almost feel my soul crying out in pain. Now it's not labor intensive work but it's mentally & emotionally draining & just plain soul crushing. I used to laugh & enjoy OFFICE SPACE, thinking of how absurd it appeared, but now, living OFFICE SPACE, it's not entertaining in the least.
                                                             Shut Up!

     So I have to answer to my direct manager for the daily numbers. The calls I took, the time spent on each call, the hold time on the calls, the amount of calls that I took in a single day, time devoted to offline work to fix the customers problems, how much credit was issued, how many new sales, how many disconnections & how many times I could have sold new products & services or upgraded their existing ones. All of those things get tallied & I have to reach a company set quota but am expected to surpass that minimum. So, 17 pieces of Flair is the minimum acceptable amount but you know, that's the minimum. Do I just wanna do the minimum, the least accepted amount? After my direct manager I also have the 6 other managers on my side of the office, the call center manager & the regional manager to answer to for my daily numbers. They say customer service is their #1 priority but I cry SHENANIGANS on that shit. See what I did there? I made a reference that was made famous by SOUTH PARK but also plays a big part in this rants running motif of how sadly true to office life OFFICE SPACE is. Sometimes my intelligence rears its ugly head. I apologize for being somewhat smart. Maybe that's the crux of the problem. Maybe I'm too smart for my own good. Maybe it's true, Ignorance is bliss. Have I done a disservice to myself by experiencing & learning life lessons & for being a wee bit academic in some of my pursuits? Probably, but I like to believe that it's my intelligence that is one of the main reasons that I go on. And the other thing that makes me continue is that I have hope & faith that things will get better anytime now. They gotta.
     Then there's the computer systems that never seem to run at full efficiency. Whether it be the clocking of one screen to the next or the never ending upgrades to the program that get rolled out before all the bugs have been fixed & honestly don't really add any groundbreaking changes or make my job any easier. Surprise problems that seemingly appear for no particular reason on random accounts that arise & require special help from special representatives that you can only contact via computer during select days & hours. Calls being transferred to the completely wrong department because the last rep just didn't wanna deal with it or the customer. For a big communications company that is heavily vested in the newest technological breakthrus in interpersonal communications & to have such a poor in house representation of it is a missed opportunity.

                               Now if I could make a video I'd do it just like this........

Upgrade the entire operation in house first. Everyone would win. The customers will get the help they need right away from the right department, making them more satisfied with the company & the products & services it now provides them thereby more willing to try the new new. Not the good good, but the best best. The representative can do his job more efficiently, quicker & smoother, making them less stressed & that happiness leads to a better job done. The fat cats get their required results, make their profits & more than likely have the company save money on medical insurance claims, absences, sick time & such because a happy worker is a healthy worker that likes to come into work & do a good days worth of work. The positive results seem almost limitless as one positive outcome results in another positive outcome being able to be achieved due to the positive outcome of the first positive result. It's beauty lies in the fact that it's sycophantic at it's core, one feeding off the other to help it stay healthy.

Depression - Still Here pt 2

     So, I gave up all my friends when I settled down for the family life. I was the 1st one of my friends to have a child & get married. The few times I did get together with my friends it seemed like they were still living like we did in college. And I just couldn't do that anymore. I was a douche bag then & my wife & child deserved better than that. I was tired of it & I deserved better than that. My wife didn't make me give them up, she didn't say anything negative about their dickish behavior. It was all me, my choice, I didn't need anyone but my family.
    Well, my mom & pop live in Florida. I don't get to see them that much, maybe once a year for a week. My bro & I live in New York. Well, my brother & I were really close at one time. But now we're not. And that's all I gotta say about that. My wife's family became my family. Her daughter from a previous relationship became my daughter, her 2 brothers were my brothers & her mother & father treated me as one of them. I was accepted. One brother passed away it was devastating, we were kin, he was my best friend. When my wife & I parted, her family kinda went away as well. In truth, I didn't try too hard to keep those relationships going. My sadness & lack of motion kept me from wanting to socialize. I didn't wanna be Mr Sad Sack so I removed myself from life for awhile. I tell people it was my regrouping time. But that's bullshit, I just couldn't face.....anything.
     This may seem like self indulgent rambling to some, a pointless diatribe against life to others & some may see it as kind of a pity party, a feel bad for me search for validation. Believe me, the truth is somewhere in the mix. But who knows, maybe someone can relate & learn something from my experiences. The coolest would be if someone learned some shit from me & it led to them making the correct choice for themselves in life. Bully for you son. Or maybe, just maybe, someone will see that when the despair eventually goes away (& I promise it will), there is always the next chance for happiness & the next big thing in life. I don't wanna deprive myself of happiness. I don't wanna postpone joy. I don't wanna miss out when the next opportunity presents itself (& I promise, it will). I'm here, writing this, sharing a moment in time with anyone that may read this as my recollection, my outlook, my take on the whole phase that I'm now experiencing. If I was watching late night tv & a certain hit urban 70's programs came on & asked me "What's Happening?", I'd have to reply "This. This is what's happening. It's what's happening now." Was that too long of a walk for not enough payoff. Sounds like I just described how I feel at times.       

Depression - Still Here pt 1

     So it's been awhile. I'm still here. Which actually says alot about me. I like to think that I go thru trying times because it makes me stronger. That's the saying, the belief. Whatever doesn't kill you just makes you stronger. If that's true then I'm fukkin John McClane because I die hard. Eh that's pedestrian but you get the point. A lesser person would have checked out by now. Me, I truly am a glutton for punishment. At least Pavlov's dogs learned. I'm not looking for pity or your sympathy, I'm just mouthing off.  Dexter said, "The more you suffer, the more it shows you really care. Right? Yeah."
     My ex-wife thinks that it'll do me some good to "share" & stand on my soapbox angrily shaking my fist in the digital world & she's never steered me wrong before. I trust her implicitly, so I thought I'd give it a go. She's really something special. Shit, we have been apart for almost a year & a half & she still looks out for me. Granted it's not with a wife's love but it's definitely with more then a best friends good intentions. She is what keeps me going. I know we can't & won't get back together but I'm enamored with her still & I owe her my life & the majority of good things that have happened to me. She's my voice of reason & I hear her voice when I need guidance. Look, I'm not pinning my happiness or well being upon her, she just reaches me in a way that no one else has or can. She left forever effects upon my being. I have changed my life for her & 99.5% of the time, she's been right in everything she does. She deserved for me to make a better man of myself, for her, for us & eventually, our daughter.  And I believe that I did give it an honest go at making her happy. At least that's the way I remember it. Hope for the most part that she does to. I've always said that Rita saved my life but Juliana made me want to really live it. Together, they made me want to be a kind decent person with love in his heart for those that mattered.
     Now I know I said how the big three changed me & my life but in all sincerity, my life truly gained meaning & a purpose when Rita & I had our daughter, Juliana. That little girl really affected me, my life & what I became capable of. I feel like I was given the opportunity to redeem my selfishness, apathy, past transgressions & wrong doings by loving that little angel. She was the ray of sunshine in my disparate, delinquent, degenerate & debaucherous mind & world. And that was going well for a longtime. Hell, I thought I was pretty good at it for the most part. She meant the world to me, she could do no wrong & I was in complete love with her. She had me wrapped around her littlest finger. She could do no wrong & I would do absolutely anything for her.
     Upon my wife & I splitting up (her choice but I don't blame her, it was the right thing to do), my daughter started to become distant & closing me off. It started with her not returning my texts, saying she missed them. Then my calls were going unanswered & unreturned, her phone wasn't charged & she forgot. Very soon after that she cut off all contact with me. She told mama that she was scared of me & that I destroyed her self esteem & confidence. My ex-wife relayed this to me because she was unhappy that I was cut off completely by my little angel. So Rita & I talked & she explained alot of Jules' concerns, worries & unhappiness that I was apparently the cause of.
     Now I can't say that I agree with the little girls feelings or why she feels the way that she does. I just know that she feels it for some reason. I have to accept that she has these feelings & she believes that I somehow did wrong by her. I don't think I did anything fuct up but she does & that's enough for me. I realize that she is her own person with her own thoughts, feelings & beliefs. So something I did caused this issue. Whether I didn't explain myself properly, or I explained it too much. My choice of words or their delivery. It may even boil down to the fact that I'm a 45 year old man, she's a 16 year old girl & I can't relate to what she feels or what she's going thru. I just know that she's no liar & if she feels that I have done her wrong, then on some level she may be correct. I will not belittle her feelings or beliefs, she has an opinion & she's entitled to it. It sux she isn't speaking to me at this time, but I refuse to give up on her. I will do whatever needs to be done to get her back into my life & that includes waiting around for her to come around. I will always be there for her & will never deny her. She is my sunshine. Forever. 

the big 3: Rita, Tamara & Nicole

I'm no Zac Effron or Ben Affleck. Ur fukin wrong if u don't like them both, stupid ass. Anyway, I'm also not (plz forgive me) Steve Busemi (sorry, ur ok by me) or that freak of nature harelip Joaquin Phoenix (you suck). I consider myself lucky because more times then not I just make myself available & shit happens. If I wanted to hang with 10 particular girls, I have been lucky enuff to be with 9 outta that ten. My above average penis (as compared to a field mouse's), nor the space between my teeth has ever been a deterrent. I figured out along time ago that I just gotta be open, willing & available. If you don't make the scene, you don't know the score.
I've done many things that no one knows about, & I'll take that shit to the grave. I've lived it, you keep dreaming.

42nd Street, the Deuce

I'm old enough to have been to Show World, Peep Land & have my dad taken me to see the SHAW BROTHERS movies & the best fukkin horror ever made on the big screen.
Hookers? Any guy that has an issue with hookers or denys being with them is either a pussy or a liar. I watched live sex shows & had my own. I'm nothing special. Or am I? I just make myself available & shit happens.
THE MEMEORIES OF A MAN IN HIS OLD AGE, ARE THE DEEDS TO THE MAN IN HIS PRIME.
 I've quoted a crap load of song lyrics in my mongoloid blogs. Whoever can guess the bands/songs/quotes will get a free shipment of dvd's I'm gonna toss.
Sounds enticing, don't it?






Fukkin liars

Danny & Sandy

Danny really dug Sandy. She was electrifying but he was too worried about what his friends thought.
I was just a dumb 20 yr old boy.

Well son, Regrets a Funny Thing

Whatcha doing?
Chewing chocolate.
Where'd you get it?
Doggy dropped it.
Carry on.


I can't begin to explain what I'm going thru right now. I understand drastic measures some take to relieve their pains, I don't respect it, but I understand it. Not to be pretentious, but I guess I learned that I am (thanks Nicole Aitoro & Rita Fox):
Some people should die,
that's just unconscious knowledge.
Pigs in Zen

If I've learned anything from Kevin Smith movies, it's that stoners have all the fun.

I can attest to this. I've gone thru a few adventures in my time. & not to brag or boast about myself, but I will.


Exploits include but are not limited to:


teaching Sunday School - 3 yrs
managing hair salon, Dana Cole - approx. 6 years
singer in band - 5 years - 4 shows played
4 yr college degree - 7 years. A lot of people go to college for 7 years & aren't doctors.
9 months local public access hosting Halloween & Christmas show
5 yrs college radio
3.5 months stay in Chicago - I ran away with the Cirque Du Solie
20 yr drunk & 24 yr drug user
husband - let's say 17 yrs
father - 16 yrs
same job - 17 yrs


I'm kinda crispy & burnt. I forget things sometimes. I know there was more stupidity, I just can't remember it.


ANGRY REPEATING ANUS - 45 yrs

I forgot to mention AMERICAN PYSCHO by Brett Easton Ellis, f'n doi.

So my girlfriend at the time, lets call her, uh, Nicole Aitoro, she knows that something in the book will make me happy for having read it but she worried that the subject matter was going to be the tits to me. SHE WAS RIGHT. I thank her for introducing this novel to me (& fuk u if you didn't like the movie. You don't know shit.) I love the vapid, self indulgently destructive emptiness. From throwing coins into the sea otter tank, to stabbing the kid & definitely the cheese filled PVC tube. Extra bonus, a in depth retrospective of Huey Lewis & the News. I understood his sense of never being himself & never belonging. Thanks Nicole.

 I once had a girlfriend. Let's call her Nicole A. I really adored her. But I was just a typical d-bag boy & of course screwed it all up. She's a really good person & I miss having her in my life.

Nicole, I'm sorry, please forgive me for being an asshole.

So Nicole introduces me to American Pycho by Brett Eastson Ellis

     Nicole was hesitant, she had a little insight into me. She knew she was taking a chance, I would say I wasn't domesticated. You must understand that Nicole was a well rounded, intelligent, extremely funny beautiful girl. Man I wanted to get to hang out & spend sometime with her. She was THE girl I wanted to be with; and for some odd reason (brain tumor?) she dug me too. Fuck you all, most of you guys end up with whoever just says yes, convenient. I don't know why but, I got to hang with the object of my desire (I'm oddly lucky), but I screwed that thing up almost from the start. i.e. First flirty session, I cut her hand with a plastic knife (by accident but it kinda set the stage).
     Nicole, I'm sorry for being a douche to you, you didn't deserve it. I'm to blame. I hope you're doing well. I saw your pic on Sach's. Congrats & may I say, you're still beautiful. I wish you luck & last time I reached out to you, you were in a bad place & your anger towards me came out, I seriously meant no harm, it was shit timing. I offer my condolences. I apologize for upsetting you.

You will forever be in my heart & I regret being the way I was.

ULTIMATE SIDE OF COOLNESS & SERENDIPITY:
I was working at a hair salon & this really awesome lady that I had the hots for was reading the book. I immediately went from interested to infatuation. And later down the road, I suckered that cool lady into marrying me. BONUS.

I am Jack's Tumor Ridden Cortex

Yeah, I wanna be well.
Well maybe not, it's a rather precarious situation.

Some favor life, while others death. I straddle the fence & my balls hurt.

Screw you, I'm not looking for pity, I'm just relaying my side of it all, which is definitely open to interpretation, questioning & probably correction to boot.

My wife & I split up a little over a year ago. It was the right thing to do. She had the smarts to call it into play. It was the right thing to do. But it sux anyway. My baby she's alright. My baby, she's clean outta sight. She's some kind of wonderful. That's the truth.
My wife Rita is the best person I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. And I am lucky to have had the time with her that I did. All the good & bad times, she's just amazing. Sorry for any part I played in our separation. I will forever love her & will forever be in love with her. It's sad, but I know that our split was for the best. For both of us. I want to be a great ex to her, she deserves it.