So it's been awhile. I'm still here. Which actually says alot about me. I like to think that I go thru trying times because it makes me stronger. That's the saying, the belief. Whatever doesn't kill you just makes you stronger. If that's true then I'm fukkin John McClane because I die hard. Eh that's pedestrian but you get the point. A lesser person would have checked out by now. Me, I truly am a glutton for punishment. At least Pavlov's dogs learned. I'm not looking for pity or your sympathy, I'm just mouthing off. Dexter said, "The more you suffer, the more it shows you really care. Right? Yeah."
My ex-wife thinks that it'll do me some good to "share" & stand on my soapbox angrily shaking my fist in the digital world & she's never steered me wrong before. I trust her implicitly, so I thought I'd give it a go. She's really something special. Shit, we have been apart for almost a year & a half & she still looks out for me. Granted it's not with a wife's love but it's definitely with more then a best friends good intentions. She is what keeps me going. I know we can't & won't get back together but I'm enamored with her still & I owe her my life & the majority of good things that have happened to me. She's my voice of reason & I hear her voice when I need guidance. Look, I'm not pinning my happiness or well being upon her, she just reaches me in a way that no one else has or can. She left forever effects upon my being. I have changed my life for her & 99.5% of the time, she's been right in everything she does. She deserved for me to make a better man of myself, for her, for us & eventually, our daughter. And I believe that I did give it an honest go at making her happy. At least that's the way I remember it. Hope for the most part that she does to. I've always said that Rita saved my life but Juliana made me want to really live it. Together, they made me want to be a kind decent person with love in his heart for those that mattered.
Now I know I said how the big three changed me & my life but in all sincerity, my life truly gained meaning & a purpose when Rita & I had our daughter, Juliana. That little girl really affected me, my life & what I became capable of. I feel like I was given the opportunity to redeem my selfishness, apathy, past transgressions & wrong doings by loving that little angel. She was the ray of sunshine in my disparate, delinquent, degenerate & debaucherous mind & world. And that was going well for a longtime. Hell, I thought I was pretty good at it for the most part. She meant the world to me, she could do no wrong & I was in complete love with her. She had me wrapped around her littlest finger. She could do no wrong & I would do absolutely anything for her.
Upon my wife & I splitting up (her choice but I don't blame her, it was the right thing to do), my daughter started to become distant & closing me off. It started with her not returning my texts, saying she missed them. Then my calls were going unanswered & unreturned, her phone wasn't charged & she forgot. Very soon after that she cut off all contact with me. She told mama that she was scared of me & that I destroyed her self esteem & confidence. My ex-wife relayed this to me because she was unhappy that I was cut off completely by my little angel. So Rita & I talked & she explained alot of Jules' concerns, worries & unhappiness that I was apparently the cause of.
Now I can't say that I agree with the little girls feelings or why she feels the way that she does. I just know that she feels it for some reason. I have to accept that she has these feelings & she believes that I somehow did wrong by her. I don't think I did anything fuct up but she does & that's enough for me. I realize that she is her own person with her own thoughts, feelings & beliefs. So something I did caused this issue. Whether I didn't explain myself properly, or I explained it too much. My choice of words or their delivery. It may even boil down to the fact that I'm a 45 year old man, she's a 16 year old girl & I can't relate to what she feels or what she's going thru. I just know that she's no liar & if she feels that I have done her wrong, then on some level she may be correct. I will not belittle her feelings or beliefs, she has an opinion & she's entitled to it. It sux she isn't speaking to me at this time, but I refuse to give up on her. I will do whatever needs to be done to get her back into my life & that includes waiting around for her to come around. I will always be there for her & will never deny her. She is my sunshine. Forever.
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