Ugh

I'm tough to be around.
I think that I make people slightly uncomfortable.
I feel I flirt with being a dullard.

The proof is in my pudding.

Depression - Still Here & just like Faster Pussycat, No I won't shut up, I just Babylon and on. Babylon on, Babylon and on.

     I work at a call center for a big telecommunications company. The pay is great, the benefits are unheard of nowadays & I even have a strong union to back me up & protect my jobs security. But the job sux, it's such a depressing & negative environment. I was hired for customer service & some sales when there was an opportunity for them. In the 17 years that I've been at the company, everything has changed, it's not the same. Every aspect of the job has become revenue driven & micromanaged. I used to like going into work & now, now I feel a little piece of me die everyday I make my commute to work. Nevermind the DEAD MAN WALKING feeling I get riding up the 2 floors on the elevator. I can almost feel my soul crying out in pain. Now it's not labor intensive work but it's mentally & emotionally draining & just plain soul crushing. I used to laugh & enjoy OFFICE SPACE, thinking of how absurd it appeared, but now, living OFFICE SPACE, it's not entertaining in the least.
                                                             Shut Up!

     So I have to answer to my direct manager for the daily numbers. The calls I took, the time spent on each call, the hold time on the calls, the amount of calls that I took in a single day, time devoted to offline work to fix the customers problems, how much credit was issued, how many new sales, how many disconnections & how many times I could have sold new products & services or upgraded their existing ones. All of those things get tallied & I have to reach a company set quota but am expected to surpass that minimum. So, 17 pieces of Flair is the minimum acceptable amount but you know, that's the minimum. Do I just wanna do the minimum, the least accepted amount? After my direct manager I also have the 6 other managers on my side of the office, the call center manager & the regional manager to answer to for my daily numbers. They say customer service is their #1 priority but I cry SHENANIGANS on that shit. See what I did there? I made a reference that was made famous by SOUTH PARK but also plays a big part in this rants running motif of how sadly true to office life OFFICE SPACE is. Sometimes my intelligence rears its ugly head. I apologize for being somewhat smart. Maybe that's the crux of the problem. Maybe I'm too smart for my own good. Maybe it's true, Ignorance is bliss. Have I done a disservice to myself by experiencing & learning life lessons & for being a wee bit academic in some of my pursuits? Probably, but I like to believe that it's my intelligence that is one of the main reasons that I go on. And the other thing that makes me continue is that I have hope & faith that things will get better anytime now. They gotta.
     Then there's the computer systems that never seem to run at full efficiency. Whether it be the clocking of one screen to the next or the never ending upgrades to the program that get rolled out before all the bugs have been fixed & honestly don't really add any groundbreaking changes or make my job any easier. Surprise problems that seemingly appear for no particular reason on random accounts that arise & require special help from special representatives that you can only contact via computer during select days & hours. Calls being transferred to the completely wrong department because the last rep just didn't wanna deal with it or the customer. For a big communications company that is heavily vested in the newest technological breakthrus in interpersonal communications & to have such a poor in house representation of it is a missed opportunity.

                               Now if I could make a video I'd do it just like this........

Upgrade the entire operation in house first. Everyone would win. The customers will get the help they need right away from the right department, making them more satisfied with the company & the products & services it now provides them thereby more willing to try the new new. Not the good good, but the best best. The representative can do his job more efficiently, quicker & smoother, making them less stressed & that happiness leads to a better job done. The fat cats get their required results, make their profits & more than likely have the company save money on medical insurance claims, absences, sick time & such because a happy worker is a healthy worker that likes to come into work & do a good days worth of work. The positive results seem almost limitless as one positive outcome results in another positive outcome being able to be achieved due to the positive outcome of the first positive result. It's beauty lies in the fact that it's sycophantic at it's core, one feeding off the other to help it stay healthy.

Depression - Still Here pt 2

     So, I gave up all my friends when I settled down for the family life. I was the 1st one of my friends to have a child & get married. The few times I did get together with my friends it seemed like they were still living like we did in college. And I just couldn't do that anymore. I was a douche bag then & my wife & child deserved better than that. I was tired of it & I deserved better than that. My wife didn't make me give them up, she didn't say anything negative about their dickish behavior. It was all me, my choice, I didn't need anyone but my family.
    Well, my mom & pop live in Florida. I don't get to see them that much, maybe once a year for a week. My bro & I live in New York. Well, my brother & I were really close at one time. But now we're not. And that's all I gotta say about that. My wife's family became my family. Her daughter from a previous relationship became my daughter, her 2 brothers were my brothers & her mother & father treated me as one of them. I was accepted. One brother passed away it was devastating, we were kin, he was my best friend. When my wife & I parted, her family kinda went away as well. In truth, I didn't try too hard to keep those relationships going. My sadness & lack of motion kept me from wanting to socialize. I didn't wanna be Mr Sad Sack so I removed myself from life for awhile. I tell people it was my regrouping time. But that's bullshit, I just couldn't face.....anything.
     This may seem like self indulgent rambling to some, a pointless diatribe against life to others & some may see it as kind of a pity party, a feel bad for me search for validation. Believe me, the truth is somewhere in the mix. But who knows, maybe someone can relate & learn something from my experiences. The coolest would be if someone learned some shit from me & it led to them making the correct choice for themselves in life. Bully for you son. Or maybe, just maybe, someone will see that when the despair eventually goes away (& I promise it will), there is always the next chance for happiness & the next big thing in life. I don't wanna deprive myself of happiness. I don't wanna postpone joy. I don't wanna miss out when the next opportunity presents itself (& I promise, it will). I'm here, writing this, sharing a moment in time with anyone that may read this as my recollection, my outlook, my take on the whole phase that I'm now experiencing. If I was watching late night tv & a certain hit urban 70's programs came on & asked me "What's Happening?", I'd have to reply "This. This is what's happening. It's what's happening now." Was that too long of a walk for not enough payoff. Sounds like I just described how I feel at times.       

Depression - Still Here pt 1

     So it's been awhile. I'm still here. Which actually says alot about me. I like to think that I go thru trying times because it makes me stronger. That's the saying, the belief. Whatever doesn't kill you just makes you stronger. If that's true then I'm fukkin John McClane because I die hard. Eh that's pedestrian but you get the point. A lesser person would have checked out by now. Me, I truly am a glutton for punishment. At least Pavlov's dogs learned. I'm not looking for pity or your sympathy, I'm just mouthing off.  Dexter said, "The more you suffer, the more it shows you really care. Right? Yeah."
     My ex-wife thinks that it'll do me some good to "share" & stand on my soapbox angrily shaking my fist in the digital world & she's never steered me wrong before. I trust her implicitly, so I thought I'd give it a go. She's really something special. Shit, we have been apart for almost a year & a half & she still looks out for me. Granted it's not with a wife's love but it's definitely with more then a best friends good intentions. She is what keeps me going. I know we can't & won't get back together but I'm enamored with her still & I owe her my life & the majority of good things that have happened to me. She's my voice of reason & I hear her voice when I need guidance. Look, I'm not pinning my happiness or well being upon her, she just reaches me in a way that no one else has or can. She left forever effects upon my being. I have changed my life for her & 99.5% of the time, she's been right in everything she does. She deserved for me to make a better man of myself, for her, for us & eventually, our daughter.  And I believe that I did give it an honest go at making her happy. At least that's the way I remember it. Hope for the most part that she does to. I've always said that Rita saved my life but Juliana made me want to really live it. Together, they made me want to be a kind decent person with love in his heart for those that mattered.
     Now I know I said how the big three changed me & my life but in all sincerity, my life truly gained meaning & a purpose when Rita & I had our daughter, Juliana. That little girl really affected me, my life & what I became capable of. I feel like I was given the opportunity to redeem my selfishness, apathy, past transgressions & wrong doings by loving that little angel. She was the ray of sunshine in my disparate, delinquent, degenerate & debaucherous mind & world. And that was going well for a longtime. Hell, I thought I was pretty good at it for the most part. She meant the world to me, she could do no wrong & I was in complete love with her. She had me wrapped around her littlest finger. She could do no wrong & I would do absolutely anything for her.
     Upon my wife & I splitting up (her choice but I don't blame her, it was the right thing to do), my daughter started to become distant & closing me off. It started with her not returning my texts, saying she missed them. Then my calls were going unanswered & unreturned, her phone wasn't charged & she forgot. Very soon after that she cut off all contact with me. She told mama that she was scared of me & that I destroyed her self esteem & confidence. My ex-wife relayed this to me because she was unhappy that I was cut off completely by my little angel. So Rita & I talked & she explained alot of Jules' concerns, worries & unhappiness that I was apparently the cause of.
     Now I can't say that I agree with the little girls feelings or why she feels the way that she does. I just know that she feels it for some reason. I have to accept that she has these feelings & she believes that I somehow did wrong by her. I don't think I did anything fuct up but she does & that's enough for me. I realize that she is her own person with her own thoughts, feelings & beliefs. So something I did caused this issue. Whether I didn't explain myself properly, or I explained it too much. My choice of words or their delivery. It may even boil down to the fact that I'm a 45 year old man, she's a 16 year old girl & I can't relate to what she feels or what she's going thru. I just know that she's no liar & if she feels that I have done her wrong, then on some level she may be correct. I will not belittle her feelings or beliefs, she has an opinion & she's entitled to it. It sux she isn't speaking to me at this time, but I refuse to give up on her. I will do whatever needs to be done to get her back into my life & that includes waiting around for her to come around. I will always be there for her & will never deny her. She is my sunshine. Forever.