Right now I'm so lost. I have no clue about anything. I'm stuck in the biggest rut of my life so far & I'm not sure what to do. My 20 some odd year relationship disintegrated about 2 years ago & I still haven't bounced back. I know there will be no reconciliation but I can't seem to move on.
There is this romantic part of me that says suffer for your woman. Let her see how much she means to you. Never let her forget that you still care. You just gotta pay your dues boy & it'll al work out in the end.
Another part cries bullshit on that. Wake up bro, she's done some unforgettable & unforgiveable things to you. Just as you have to her. You will never be able to recapture that magic again. You know what they say about not learning from the past & history repeating itself. You're smarter than your emotions.
I'm so god damn confused about it all. Sadly, instead of doing anything, I sit & just waste away. The worst part is that I know what I'm doing & that I'm being of no help to myself. & yet, I sit & waste away.
I am pathetic.
But hopeful.
Thursday, February 9, 2017
Tuesday, December 6, 2016
Updated Letter to All Daughters Everywhere
Hello Sweetheart,
It's your dad here & I wanted to tell you what you mean to me & I feel about you. You are the absolute love of my life. From the first time I laid eyes upon you, you always have been & you shall forever remain the embodiment of the definition of unconditional love & beauty. I am proud of you & blessed to call you my daughter. You are pure perfection to me. You really are someone, that's special. Your uniqueness, intellect, humor, kindness, beauty & honest-ness is awe inspiring. I can learn some things from you. I respect the person that you are & how you're growing into yourself. I'm thankful that I get to see you as an amazing child growing into an amazing adult. Did I mention that I think that you're amazing & I stand amazed at you in your amazingness? Well I do.
Now I may not have always been perfect nor amazing at times. I can admit this as a sad truth for you bore witness to my actions & heard my words. Now whether it be that I wasn't around enough, or maybe I was there to much. I wonder if I praised you too much or not enough. Did I spoil you or did I neglect you? I can't pin point to any one particular mistake that I've made. I'm sure there were plenty. But I never meant for them to be negative or go in that direction, they were all supposed to be a father & daughter interacting, enjoying spending time together, bonding but it seems like I had done something that didn't sit right with you & there became a rift between us. I always wanted to be a good father, I think I always tried to be a good father, I hope I was a good father. But none of that assures that I actually was a good father. I never intended to harm you or cripple you in any way. I made mistakes but I didn't mean to & it didn't mean that I didn't love or appreciate the wonderful person you were (& still are). I never intended to make a mistake, I always thought that I tried my best & made the best decision with what I believed to be the best outcome when it came to you. It didn't always turn out for the best, but I swear that my intentions for you were always good & my top priority. I never wanted to hold you back, I want you to fly like I believe you can. I never intended for you to be affected by me, but again, I apologize for any & all my transgressions.
I'm so bummed that you inherited some of my traits, you know the particular ones I'm talking about. I know they are a burden & they are not what I wanted for you. I know the noise, the chaos that's all encompassing & takes rule over some moments of your life. The torture you must go thru at times, I don't envy you but I know you are able to rise above. I have issues that test me everyday & I'm so sorry that you have to go thru the same thing. I want better for you, I wish for better things for you, I don't wish for you to have to go thru that experience. I'm sorry for giving you my infections. I am here for you to share with, maybe I can be a comfort to you, knowing that I know what you go thru at times, I can listen & relate. I can be there for you if ever you need or want.
I may not always say exactly how I feel about you nearly as much as I should & that's my mistake. & sometimes when I do try & tell you how I feel about you it never seems like I properly expressed myself. I'm sorry for that, you deserve to know how special you are to me, how much I love you & how wonderful I think you are. You amaze me. You are a miracle to me. I learn things from you. I love being a part of your life. I am so very proud & blessed with you being my daughter. You truly are God's Creation that he bestowed upon your mother & I. I love you.
I will forever be there for you, always.
I forever want to be a part of your life,
Love You Always & Forever,
Dad,
Pop,
Rock
It's your dad here & I wanted to tell you what you mean to me & I feel about you. You are the absolute love of my life. From the first time I laid eyes upon you, you always have been & you shall forever remain the embodiment of the definition of unconditional love & beauty. I am proud of you & blessed to call you my daughter. You are pure perfection to me. You really are someone, that's special. Your uniqueness, intellect, humor, kindness, beauty & honest-ness is awe inspiring. I can learn some things from you. I respect the person that you are & how you're growing into yourself. I'm thankful that I get to see you as an amazing child growing into an amazing adult. Did I mention that I think that you're amazing & I stand amazed at you in your amazingness? Well I do.
Now I may not have always been perfect nor amazing at times. I can admit this as a sad truth for you bore witness to my actions & heard my words. Now whether it be that I wasn't around enough, or maybe I was there to much. I wonder if I praised you too much or not enough. Did I spoil you or did I neglect you? I can't pin point to any one particular mistake that I've made. I'm sure there were plenty. But I never meant for them to be negative or go in that direction, they were all supposed to be a father & daughter interacting, enjoying spending time together, bonding but it seems like I had done something that didn't sit right with you & there became a rift between us. I always wanted to be a good father, I think I always tried to be a good father, I hope I was a good father. But none of that assures that I actually was a good father. I never intended to harm you or cripple you in any way. I made mistakes but I didn't mean to & it didn't mean that I didn't love or appreciate the wonderful person you were (& still are). I never intended to make a mistake, I always thought that I tried my best & made the best decision with what I believed to be the best outcome when it came to you. It didn't always turn out for the best, but I swear that my intentions for you were always good & my top priority. I never wanted to hold you back, I want you to fly like I believe you can. I never intended for you to be affected by me, but again, I apologize for any & all my transgressions.
I'm so bummed that you inherited some of my traits, you know the particular ones I'm talking about. I know they are a burden & they are not what I wanted for you. I know the noise, the chaos that's all encompassing & takes rule over some moments of your life. The torture you must go thru at times, I don't envy you but I know you are able to rise above. I have issues that test me everyday & I'm so sorry that you have to go thru the same thing. I want better for you, I wish for better things for you, I don't wish for you to have to go thru that experience. I'm sorry for giving you my infections. I am here for you to share with, maybe I can be a comfort to you, knowing that I know what you go thru at times, I can listen & relate. I can be there for you if ever you need or want.
I may not always say exactly how I feel about you nearly as much as I should & that's my mistake. & sometimes when I do try & tell you how I feel about you it never seems like I properly expressed myself. I'm sorry for that, you deserve to know how special you are to me, how much I love you & how wonderful I think you are. You amaze me. You are a miracle to me. I learn things from you. I love being a part of your life. I am so very proud & blessed with you being my daughter. You truly are God's Creation that he bestowed upon your mother & I. I love you.
I will forever be there for you, always.
I forever want to be a part of your life,
Love You Always & Forever,
Dad,
Pop,
Rock
Saturday, December 3, 2016
Open Letter to All the Daughters Everywhere
Hello Sweetheart,
I want you to know how I feel about you. You are the absolute love of my life. You always have been & you shall forever remain. I am proud of you & happy to call you my daughter. You are perfect in my eyes. You are someone that's special.
I may not have always been perfect. Whether it be that I wasn't around enough, or maybe I was there to much. I wonder if I praised you too much or not enough. Did I spoil you or did I neglect you? I wanted to be a good farther, I tried to be a good father, I hope I was a good father. I never intended to harm you or cripple you in any way.I made mistakes but it doesn't mean that I don't love or appreciate the wonderful person you are. I want you to fly. I never intended for you to be affected by me, but alas.....
I'm so bummed that you inherited some of my traits, I know they can be a burden & they are not what I wanted for you. I know the noise, that fills & takes over some moments of life. The torture you go thru at times. I have issues that test me everyday & I'm so sorry that you have to go thru the same thing. I want better for you, I wish for better things for you, I don't wish for you to have to go thru that experience. I'm sorry for giving you my infections. I am here for you to share, maybe I can ease your suffering.
I may not always verbalize exactly how I feel about you & that's my mistake. I'm sorry. You amaze me. You are a miracle to me. I learn things from you. I love being a part of your life. I am so very proud & blessed with you being my daughter. You truly are God's Creation that he bestowed upon your mother & I. I love you.
I will forever be there for you, forever.
I want to always be a part of your life,
Love Forever,
Dad,
Pop,
Rock
I want you to know how I feel about you. You are the absolute love of my life. You always have been & you shall forever remain. I am proud of you & happy to call you my daughter. You are perfect in my eyes. You are someone that's special.
I may not have always been perfect. Whether it be that I wasn't around enough, or maybe I was there to much. I wonder if I praised you too much or not enough. Did I spoil you or did I neglect you? I wanted to be a good farther, I tried to be a good father, I hope I was a good father. I never intended to harm you or cripple you in any way.I made mistakes but it doesn't mean that I don't love or appreciate the wonderful person you are. I want you to fly. I never intended for you to be affected by me, but alas.....
I'm so bummed that you inherited some of my traits, I know they can be a burden & they are not what I wanted for you. I know the noise, that fills & takes over some moments of life. The torture you go thru at times. I have issues that test me everyday & I'm so sorry that you have to go thru the same thing. I want better for you, I wish for better things for you, I don't wish for you to have to go thru that experience. I'm sorry for giving you my infections. I am here for you to share, maybe I can ease your suffering.
I may not always verbalize exactly how I feel about you & that's my mistake. I'm sorry. You amaze me. You are a miracle to me. I learn things from you. I love being a part of your life. I am so very proud & blessed with you being my daughter. You truly are God's Creation that he bestowed upon your mother & I. I love you.
I will forever be there for you, forever.
I want to always be a part of your life,
Love Forever,
Dad,
Pop,
Rock
Sunday, November 20, 2016
What next?
I'm not sure why I write this blog. I don't know if anyone reads it, hates it, enjoys it or knows it even exists. Am I coming off as a whiney cry baby? A sociopath? Does any of it all matter?
I really have nothing to say. I'm just afraid that if I don't say anything, I will completely disappear.
I really have nothing to say. I'm just afraid that if I don't say anything, I will completely disappear.
Wednesday, November 16, 2016
The Shit (as in my favorites)
THE RAMONES
AMAZING, ALWAYS. From start to finish. They always delivered, always. They stand alone. No one comes close, they never have & no one ever will. They (still) are the best ever. & I will fight anyone that says different. Fun, loud, edgy & dangerous, infectious & essential. They are HEAVENS house band. They started punk rock. They were pure rock 'n' roll but they are the true originators of what is punk rock. QUEENS, NEW YORK baby, the birthplace. England? Bullshit baby. USA, USA, USA.
ALICE COOPER (not TRASH but every other album)
Comical, dark, great. He's got an under appreciated voice. He can rock & he knows his way around a ballad. & you don't feel like a wuss for like his ballads either. He is a complete entertainer. If you see him perform live, you will be entertained. No doubt about it.
DWARVES
Oh. You don't know? Do yourself a favor & listen to The Dwarves Are Young & Good Looking. Some says Blood Guts & Pussy is their best, but they're wrong. It's definitely where there sound came together but in reality it's truly lacking compared to many of their other releases.
THE WARRIORS
An amazing movie. The bathroom fight scene is perfect, you couldn't ask for a more perfectly choreographed fight (No disrespect to THEY LIVE's alley fight scene, a very close second).
It's my "I need to be happy" go to movie. Can you dig it?
HAROLD & MAUDE
Ruth Gordon. Bud Cort. You gotta see it, I can talk about it but no matter what I say, I'll never be able to do it justice. You gotta see it to understand.
THE JERK
Sure CADDYSHACK is great but how could it not be with that cast? It's a no brainer. Everyone in it was at the top of their game. There was no way it could suk. HOWEVER, THE JERK is just STEVE MARTIN, being amazing, all by himself. I mean no disrespect to everyone else who appeared in the movie but almost every character could have been played by almost anyone else & it would still have been AMAZING. Only exception, Bernadette Peters, she owned her role. I was born a poor black child & boom goes the vaginamite. As we all know dynamite is cool, it blows shit up, but vagina...Well that is heaven on earth. Vaginamite, that blows my mind. I love the vadge. Close second....boobies. Ahhh, boobies.
AMERICAN PSYCHO by Bret Easton Ellis
I've already spoken about this so go read an earlier blog of mine.
JONATHAN LIVINGSTON SEAGULL by Richard Bach
So simple & childlike on the surface but so deep & life affirming on every other level. If you miss the message, you're honestly a complete moron.
THE TURNER DIARIES by Andrew Macdonald (William Luther Pierce)
Is it a hate novel? I don't really believe so, it's a work of fiction. Is it a call to arms? Maybe to the easily influenced. I feel it's more of a cautionary tale of what could happen when one side gets pushed too far & reaches their breaking point. It's full of action based in an alternate reality. If the revolutionaries were Black or Mexican instead of Caucasians this would be required reading in school, I'm sure of it. How some can get away with a statement such as "By Any Means Necessary" which advocates violence if need be & that's apparently acceptable but this novel is vilified & used as a scapegoat for some people's actions is completely hypocritical. Power of suggestion doesn't make people do bad shit. People's bad decisions make them do bad shit. To think that many bookstores won't carry this book is an affront to the 2nd amendment. It's kept in the back or under the counter at most used bookstores. If you order it online, you're now on a list. Trust that statement. It's just a fukkin story people. Grow the fuk up.
This is not a complete list. It's a start. Too be continued. Maybe.
AMAZING, ALWAYS. From start to finish. They always delivered, always. They stand alone. No one comes close, they never have & no one ever will. They (still) are the best ever. & I will fight anyone that says different. Fun, loud, edgy & dangerous, infectious & essential. They are HEAVENS house band. They started punk rock. They were pure rock 'n' roll but they are the true originators of what is punk rock. QUEENS, NEW YORK baby, the birthplace. England? Bullshit baby. USA, USA, USA.
ALICE COOPER (not TRASH but every other album)
Comical, dark, great. He's got an under appreciated voice. He can rock & he knows his way around a ballad. & you don't feel like a wuss for like his ballads either. He is a complete entertainer. If you see him perform live, you will be entertained. No doubt about it.
DWARVES
Oh. You don't know? Do yourself a favor & listen to The Dwarves Are Young & Good Looking. Some says Blood Guts & Pussy is their best, but they're wrong. It's definitely where there sound came together but in reality it's truly lacking compared to many of their other releases.
THE WARRIORS
An amazing movie. The bathroom fight scene is perfect, you couldn't ask for a more perfectly choreographed fight (No disrespect to THEY LIVE's alley fight scene, a very close second).
It's my "I need to be happy" go to movie. Can you dig it?
HAROLD & MAUDE
Ruth Gordon. Bud Cort. You gotta see it, I can talk about it but no matter what I say, I'll never be able to do it justice. You gotta see it to understand.
THE JERK
Sure CADDYSHACK is great but how could it not be with that cast? It's a no brainer. Everyone in it was at the top of their game. There was no way it could suk. HOWEVER, THE JERK is just STEVE MARTIN, being amazing, all by himself. I mean no disrespect to everyone else who appeared in the movie but almost every character could have been played by almost anyone else & it would still have been AMAZING. Only exception, Bernadette Peters, she owned her role. I was born a poor black child & boom goes the vaginamite. As we all know dynamite is cool, it blows shit up, but vagina...Well that is heaven on earth. Vaginamite, that blows my mind. I love the vadge. Close second....boobies. Ahhh, boobies.
AMERICAN PSYCHO by Bret Easton Ellis
I've already spoken about this so go read an earlier blog of mine.
JONATHAN LIVINGSTON SEAGULL by Richard Bach
So simple & childlike on the surface but so deep & life affirming on every other level. If you miss the message, you're honestly a complete moron.
THE TURNER DIARIES by Andrew Macdonald (William Luther Pierce)
Is it a hate novel? I don't really believe so, it's a work of fiction. Is it a call to arms? Maybe to the easily influenced. I feel it's more of a cautionary tale of what could happen when one side gets pushed too far & reaches their breaking point. It's full of action based in an alternate reality. If the revolutionaries were Black or Mexican instead of Caucasians this would be required reading in school, I'm sure of it. How some can get away with a statement such as "By Any Means Necessary" which advocates violence if need be & that's apparently acceptable but this novel is vilified & used as a scapegoat for some people's actions is completely hypocritical. Power of suggestion doesn't make people do bad shit. People's bad decisions make them do bad shit. To think that many bookstores won't carry this book is an affront to the 2nd amendment. It's kept in the back or under the counter at most used bookstores. If you order it online, you're now on a list. Trust that statement. It's just a fukkin story people. Grow the fuk up.
This is not a complete list. It's a start. Too be continued. Maybe.
My ?Ex? Wife......
My ex wife (not legally my ex, we're separated not divorced) is a wonderful woman. She's sweet, beautiful, kind, funny as all get out, smart & an amazing cook. She's also got another side that I tended to bring out & that was what drove us apart. I'm guilty, she's guilty. In the end, who cares? I still adore that woman. She could & still can make me do anything, not by force or anything, just by my choice of wishing to make her happy still.
Truth be told, I'm alive because of her. When I was single I wasn't what one would call an upstanding citizen. I think I'm kinda a degenerate now, but before her, I was a time bomb. The crap I put into my body, the situations I put myself in, the shit I tried to pull on an everyday basis. If you were my friend, you were like a shower...golden. But if I didn't know or like you, if you had something I wanted...I was a bit scummy at times. I honestly feel like I owe her my life, I don't think that I'd be alive today if not for her. She made me wanna do right, she made me wanna wake up just so I could be with her the next day. I no longer drink because of her (thank you Rita). I'm not addicted to anything anymore (thanks again Rita). I have a beautiful, smart & kind daughter (huge thanks Rita). I truly believe I owe so much to that woman. She may be a petite little thang (not that she's an object, I mean thang as a 1960's ish term of endearment) but she put me in line for all the right reasons. I'm 6 foot & she's 4 foot 2. When I held her, I felt like a man & I had only one job & that was to protect her. & love her. & let her know how special & important she was. Ok so I guess it was more than one job, but I digest (yeah I know). Listen, not all of my jokes, puns or shots at the funny are gonna pay off but at least I'm out there trying.
ANYWAY, like I was saying, she was special, she meant the world to me. It sux that we're not together anymore but it's for the best. We're pretty decent friends now, we don't hang out on a regular basis but we get together a few times a week & talk openly & honestly about our lives. We've never had to go to court for alimony, child support or custody (I have a daughter & she can't learn female things from me). She never saw the point in getting married, we were both against the whole legal paper stupidity of it all. If you're both committed to each other then why the fuk does the state have to have anything to do with our relationship? I always felt (& still do) that if I ever was gonna get married that I could & would never find a better person to be my wife. She just got me, what I was all about & she saw thru the stupidity of me as a man. So eventually I did ask her to be my wife & she realized that the whole marriage thing was something I decided I did wanna do & she blessed me by accepting my request. I'm glad I married that woman, we had a really good run. I'm happy she said yes to me & changed her mind about marriage to make my wish come true. It's all about the compromises. Our time together was full of situations that one of us did for the other what they wanted versus our own desires. We did things to make the other happy. She always made me feel special & blessed by her being in my life, by being my wife & I like to believe that I did the same for her.
Now after awhile we just couldn't get past some situations that eventually arose so we had to part. There was a period of anger, dislike (maybe even bordering on lite hatred) & we were no longer wishing to give in to each others differences, beliefs or desires which became demands at times. She knew she had to go. Eventually I recognized what she knew, our union was dissolving & keeping it together became a losing battle. I didn't put up a fight when she said she was leaving me, it was the best thing for both of us & her decision once again proved that she was right as usual. & it's probably what makes us able to have a pretty good relationship now.
She, nor I, see the point in going thru a divorce either, waste of money & time. Shit, when I die, I want her to get all my stuff (monies, pension & my collection of crap (dvds, records & my 20 plus RAMONES t-shirts). She always looked good wearing my t-shirts. & I don't ever plan on getting a divorce from her, not for nobody. Now I'm not saying I'll never get married again but I'm not getting divorced. If my next lady wants to get married & I'm cool with it, alright, sure lets get married new honey. But it's never gonna really count because I'm not getting divorced. I still can't ever picture that there would ever be any other woman that would make a better wife for me. We may not be together anymore, but she will forever be my wife. Now that's not to say that I wouldn't grant her a divorce if she wanted it. I would never want to stand in the way of her happiness so if she wanted to go thru with getting divorced, I would have to go thru with it. She deserves whatever she wants & I will do whatever she wishes. I've always told her, "AS YOU WISH." & I still mean it. I feel that if I can't be her husband anymore then I'm gonna be the best god damn ex I can be. She deserves all the best she can get & I'm gonna do my part to make sure she gets it. I told you all, she's one special lady & she rocks me. God damn I love that woman.
Truth be told, I'm alive because of her. When I was single I wasn't what one would call an upstanding citizen. I think I'm kinda a degenerate now, but before her, I was a time bomb. The crap I put into my body, the situations I put myself in, the shit I tried to pull on an everyday basis. If you were my friend, you were like a shower...golden. But if I didn't know or like you, if you had something I wanted...I was a bit scummy at times. I honestly feel like I owe her my life, I don't think that I'd be alive today if not for her. She made me wanna do right, she made me wanna wake up just so I could be with her the next day. I no longer drink because of her (thank you Rita). I'm not addicted to anything anymore (thanks again Rita). I have a beautiful, smart & kind daughter (huge thanks Rita). I truly believe I owe so much to that woman. She may be a petite little thang (not that she's an object, I mean thang as a 1960's ish term of endearment) but she put me in line for all the right reasons. I'm 6 foot & she's 4 foot 2. When I held her, I felt like a man & I had only one job & that was to protect her. & love her. & let her know how special & important she was. Ok so I guess it was more than one job, but I digest (yeah I know). Listen, not all of my jokes, puns or shots at the funny are gonna pay off but at least I'm out there trying.
ANYWAY, like I was saying, she was special, she meant the world to me. It sux that we're not together anymore but it's for the best. We're pretty decent friends now, we don't hang out on a regular basis but we get together a few times a week & talk openly & honestly about our lives. We've never had to go to court for alimony, child support or custody (I have a daughter & she can't learn female things from me). She never saw the point in getting married, we were both against the whole legal paper stupidity of it all. If you're both committed to each other then why the fuk does the state have to have anything to do with our relationship? I always felt (& still do) that if I ever was gonna get married that I could & would never find a better person to be my wife. She just got me, what I was all about & she saw thru the stupidity of me as a man. So eventually I did ask her to be my wife & she realized that the whole marriage thing was something I decided I did wanna do & she blessed me by accepting my request. I'm glad I married that woman, we had a really good run. I'm happy she said yes to me & changed her mind about marriage to make my wish come true. It's all about the compromises. Our time together was full of situations that one of us did for the other what they wanted versus our own desires. We did things to make the other happy. She always made me feel special & blessed by her being in my life, by being my wife & I like to believe that I did the same for her.
Now after awhile we just couldn't get past some situations that eventually arose so we had to part. There was a period of anger, dislike (maybe even bordering on lite hatred) & we were no longer wishing to give in to each others differences, beliefs or desires which became demands at times. She knew she had to go. Eventually I recognized what she knew, our union was dissolving & keeping it together became a losing battle. I didn't put up a fight when she said she was leaving me, it was the best thing for both of us & her decision once again proved that she was right as usual. & it's probably what makes us able to have a pretty good relationship now.
She, nor I, see the point in going thru a divorce either, waste of money & time. Shit, when I die, I want her to get all my stuff (monies, pension & my collection of crap (dvds, records & my 20 plus RAMONES t-shirts). She always looked good wearing my t-shirts. & I don't ever plan on getting a divorce from her, not for nobody. Now I'm not saying I'll never get married again but I'm not getting divorced. If my next lady wants to get married & I'm cool with it, alright, sure lets get married new honey. But it's never gonna really count because I'm not getting divorced. I still can't ever picture that there would ever be any other woman that would make a better wife for me. We may not be together anymore, but she will forever be my wife. Now that's not to say that I wouldn't grant her a divorce if she wanted it. I would never want to stand in the way of her happiness so if she wanted to go thru with getting divorced, I would have to go thru with it. She deserves whatever she wants & I will do whatever she wishes. I've always told her, "AS YOU WISH." & I still mean it. I feel that if I can't be her husband anymore then I'm gonna be the best god damn ex I can be. She deserves all the best she can get & I'm gonna do my part to make sure she gets it. I told you all, she's one special lady & she rocks me. God damn I love that woman.
Sometimes, Death, Family, Ben Affleck
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